Bureaucratic Wick Trimmer

For trimming flames to regulation-adjacent height.

A brass-ish trimmer with ruler marks nobody agrees on. Excellent for ceremonies and passive-aggressive mantel maintenance.

Keeper Paperwork collection

• surprisingly normal

• Includes tolerance chart for suspicious flames.
• Handle engraved with PLEASE FILE BEFORE IGNITION.
• Cuts wicks and several conversational threads.

Other hazards in Keeper Paperwork

Form 27B: Domestic Beam Permit

Keeper Paperwork

Paperwork for light you were already going to emit.

• valid schema

$12.00

Seagull Apology Kit

Keeper Paperwork

For incidents involving chips, hubris, and witnesses.

• broken schema
• broken schema

$16.00